Back at it again (again)!

Lately, a significant number of things have happened that made me feel like I need to start writing again. It used to be something I really enjoyed doing. My degree even has an emphasis in creative writing. At one point, I had a dream of being a published author. I didn't have much more direction than that. I didn't know if I wanted to write a children's book, create a fantasy world, or delve into the real world and write some creative nonfiction, my favorite genre while I was in college.

That was a long time ago. I am now wildly out of practice, barely even do any reading anymore, and feel that I have absolutely no creative juices, let alone any idea of how to get them flowing. What I do know is that I have always found writing to be somewhat therapeutic. I've never been any good at debating or even having a conversation where I don't come away feeling awkward and pathetic. Writing has always been much more friendly to me. It allows me to take my time, make mistakes and fix them without anyone knowing. When I can't think of the right word to say to convey the right meaning, I can take a step back, scroll Facebook, or do some other mindless activity until I think of just what I wanted to say. You can't just walk away from a conversation for a few minutes and pick it right back up after you've found the right words. At least, not without looking a little insane.

Anyway, as I said, I've been feeling like events in my life have been pushing me toward writing. I'm not sure why or what I'm supposed to write, but I figured this would be a good place to start. Maybe I would feel better about life in general if I just start blogging/journaling again. I think a big reason that I always stop is because I assume that no one is interested in what I'm writing. For that reason, maybe I should use a more private medium. But typing comes so much easier to me than writing by hand. And if I'm typing, I just feel like, I don't know, I might as well share in case there does happen to be something someone else is interested in. Maybe not in this case, where I'm just writing the ramblings inside my mind. Or maybe exactly in this case, because someone else is experiencing the same ramblings. Who knows?

All this to say: I'm going to start updating my blog again. It's mostly for me, but I hope anyone who feels inclined to read it doesn't feel like they've wasted their time.

Behavioral Burden

Change is hard. Actually, it isn't. Adjusting to change is hard. Especially when you're five years old and don't necessarily understand the purpose for the change. 

As I said in my previous post, Gabriel is really having a tough time adjusting to kindergarten. There is more structure than he eventually got used to in preschool, along with higher expectations. There are so many other kids that he doesn't always get a turn to talk, which is really hard for him because he has SO much to say. He is really good at keeping rules that he understands the purpose behind, but I don't think the teacher always has time to explain rules he's having trouble with. And the most challenging thing of all is the dreaded behavior chart.

 This chart gives Gabriel so much anxiety. Sometimes he does well and moves up. On those days, he comes home really happy. Sometimes he stays on green, where they start every morning, and he's still pretty happy. Then there are days he moves down, and he comes home feeling very down on himself. One day, he went down to orange and kept calling himself an "eediant." (He assured me he was saying it correctly when I asked if he meant idiot, so I went with it.)                                                                                                        Not really part of the point, but I need to vent...  On the day he went down to orange, he said he didn't remember one reason but the other was that he kept turning his letters into animals. I understand that the teacher needs to be able to read his letters, but squashing his creativity by telling him behaving badly seems pretty harsh. I just tell myself it wasn't really about the animal letters, but probably because she asked him to stop and he didn't. I don't know for sure, but that sounds better to me.                                                      Regardless of how well he did on the chart the day before, Gabriel is often anxious when I try to bring him to school. We have had several conversations about how I want him to try his best and, if he does, I will be proud of him no matter where he ends up on the chart. He tells me he knows I will love him no matter what. But he says his teacher is mean. After a lot of talking, I'm pretty sure she's great, but he doesn't like her when he's getting in trouble. (The last time he ended up on blue I asked if she was nicer that day, and he said yes.)

I know there are a lot of opinions on behavior charts and other methods, but I have no desire to tell his teacher that she's doing things wrong. It's her classroom and her decision. However, if anyone has any advice on how to help an anxious kid not cling to his mom and pretend there are monsters in the classroom when she tries to drop him off, that would be welcome. 

In other news, Lily writes beautiful original songs about being a princess and Gideon has just discovered that he loves Ghostbusters, so life's not all bad.

Back to School

We did it! We made it through the first week of school!

Schedules and circumstances being what they are, we decided it would be best to have Gabriel in morning kindergarten and Lily in afternoon preschool. Trust me; it makes something resembling sense if you know all the details. However, what I neglected to take into account when making this decision is that it means I only have a short time in the morning to convince Gabriel, who isn't very social and doesn't enjoy new things, that he wants to go to school, while I have most of the morning to listen to Lily, who is VERY social and is already familiar with the preschool from picking up Gabriel, complain that she wants to leave for school NOW. It was a fun week.

Lily spent most of summer asking if it was over so that she could start preschool. She doesn't really have any grasp on the concept of time, but she got very excited any time I would tell her something like, "Only six more weeks!"
On the first day, almost all the parents hung around for a while to make sure their child was situated, comfortable, and ready for the day. I tried to do the same, giving her reminders, asking her questions, and even trying to play with her before the teacher was ready to get started. She scolded me. She was at preschool and I wasn't supposed to be there. After the first day, a routine was established for the class. As kids walk in, there are a few things they are supposed to do. I always did these with Gabriel until he got to the part where he was supposed to sit and look at a book until the teacher was ready. Sometimes I would even read a quick book to him. Lily does all of it while I'm still signing her in and says no when I ask if she wants me to read to her.
While it hurts a little that she clearly doesn't need me, I'm very proud of her independence and I think I can say that I had a hand in her being that way. If she didn't feel loved and safe and comfortable at home, she probably wouldn't be so confident taking on this new environment without at least a little guidance. And she's always very excited to see me when I pick her up, so that makes up for it.

Gabriel liked preschool, but he has been saying for a long time that he doesn't like going to school because he would rather be with his family. It's cute, in a way. The last day or so of summer, though, he said that he was actually getting a little excited for kindergarten. Yes! The first day went fine. Nothing too out of the ordinary. Second day was okay, but there was a hiccup or two. The night before his third day, he starts panicking. He remembered that they were going to use a behavior chart the next day, and he just KNEW he was going to clip down (that's bad). After doing my best to calm him and explain things in the most comforting way possible, he went to bed. The next day, he did clip down, but then he clipped back up! The next day he clipped up without clipping down, and the next day he clipped up TWICE with no clip downs. Exciting, right?
Well, if you ask how he's liking kindergarten, he will tell you that he doesn't like his teacher because he doesn't like to follow her rules. With some of the anxiety he had throughout the week, I was really worried about him! But he seems to be adjusting just fine aside from not being a fan of the adjustment. On Friday, he even came up with rewards he could earn at home for each time he clipped up. He wasn't asking for much, and I was still worried at the time, so I agreed, and he got brownies with frosting! That was kind of a reward for all of us.

Gideon is loving getting to play with his siblings toys while they're at school. He also enjoys "helping" around the house and eating all the bananas that Jeff buys to put in his shakes.

Since I made sure to get the nice back to school pictures on Facebook, here are these...  

Summer Update

This summer has been SO great! The older kids tried out a soccer camp (I was NOT going to pay for a whole season if it meant weeks of dragging them kicking and screaming), and we found out that Gabriel actually enjoys it! Lily does not. We all expected it to be the other way around, but I'm totally excited about this, because Lily wants to do dance again anyway, so they can both have their own thing. Gideon is becoming less and less of a baby and more and more of a kid. He loves to go swimming with all of us. He can't swim on his own like the others, but he loves trying to be independent with his floaties on.

We've gotten to play at parks, friends' houses, and the beach. We unfortunately missed two birthday parties due to fevers, but I was really impressed at how well my kids handled that bad news. We made sure to do fun things to make up for it after they got better.
Of course, the biggest news for this summer is that Jeff got a new job! No more being assigned to big wildfires for weeks on end, shorter shifts, better pay, and more opportunities to promote. AND his station is closer so the kids and I can actually visit sometimes. We're SO excited!

Here are just a few things I would like to remember...
Gideon is learning to talk, and I just love some of the things he says incorrectly. I know I should correct him for his sake, but it's just so darn cute. Here are a few examples...

yes - cur (I think it's supposed to be "of course")
muffin - puppin
Buzz (as in Lightyear) - Butt
Grinch (my boys just can't let go of Christmas any time of year) - Ginch (I also love how he says "oh no! oh no!" whenever he's about to appear in the movie)

thank you - tu tu 

When I say "I love you!" he says "too!"

Lily goes back and forth between wanting to stay little forever and being devastated that she's not a grown-up mom already. I'm fairly positive that the main reason for this is that she wants to be able to make the rules instead of follow them, but she's still generally very good at doing what is asked of her. She loves to sing and dance, and I just LOVE to watch her. She reminds me a lot of Boo from Monsters, Inc., especially every time she sings in the bathroom (which is every time she goes to the bathroom).

Gabriel has had a few difficult moments, but has mostly been an angel all summer! He has started really being into video games, so, in an effort to prepare him for having to do homework when he starts kindergarten, I have him do some work in a workbook before he can play his video games. He finished the challenging one I had for him, so until I go to the store he's using an easier one. One of the pages asked him to draw a family portrait, and this is what he drew...

Yes, Gideon is crawling for some reason, he included the dog, the cat, and the tortoise, and I have a tear on my face. I'll be honest, I didn't notice the tear. Gabriel pointed it out to me and explained that he drew it there because I'm sad that he's growing up so fast. Then he said, "But you know what that will never stop, Mom?" I know better than to think he would just tell me. He would just keep repeating the question forever until I asked what, so I asked right away. "That will never stop me loving you," he said.

You guys, I won't lie. I'm one of many many people who have a tendency to mostly only post about the good parts of life. I don't do it because I want anyone to think that my life is perfect or that I have it easy. I do it because these are the things I want to focus on. With moments like these, why would I want to waste my time dwelling on the negative? I love these kids so much. I am SO proud of everything they, and their Daddy, have accomplished this summer!

And with that, here's a few pictures that I don't think made it to Facebook...

Dentist and Doom

Today Gabriel had his first cavity filled, and it was quite an experience. He was nervous going into it, but I assured him I would be there to hold his hand and help him through it. The part where he showed the most fear was just getting up in the chair and lying down. I guess it makes sense. That's basically the moment of handing over all control to the dentist. But as long as I let him hold tightly to my arm, he still did everything he was nervous about.

I have to say I'm so glad that I took him to a specifically pediatric dentist instead of our family one. They had everything to make it easy on him and were so wonderful. Gabriel had a lot of questions about how they were going to fix his cavity. We had time to kill while he started getting the gas in his system, so the hygienist answered all his questions and even let him feel the stuff they were going to fill his cavity with. He felt how sticky and squishy it is at first and let him hold it while she shined the light or whatever on it to make it hard. She let him feel the special toothbrushes and through all of this, he also got to watch Paw Patrol!

The gas really helped his nerves and he loosened his grip on me. He even let go a few times to talk with his hands. The already very talkative boy became even more so and laughed a lot. We had to settle him down a little when it was time for the dentist to work. The dentist was a surprisingly young woman who was also very nice and tried to explain things to him as she went. There were a few times Mommy had to stop watching her work and look away, but we all made it through just fine. Gabriel walked away with a sugarless lollipop, a balloon, and TWO tokens to get prizes on the way out. (He used them both for bouncy balls.)

Afterward his mouth felt funny which wasn't a big deal at first. But the longer it felt that way, the more it upset him. He kept wanting to scratch his lip, thinking it would help, and even made it bleed a little. So I held him while he cried about how much he didn't like it and how he wanted to scratch it until he fell asleep. He was able to sleep off the numbness and was much happier after that.

Later, Jeff wanted to take the kids to a Halloween shop. It's something he loves to do every year, but it's not always easy because a lot of the decorations scare the kids. Tonight, Lily and Gabriel both got to the entrance and decided there was no way they were going in. After Jeff agreed to hold both Lily and Gideon so Lily could close her eyes, she agreed to go in while I stayed out with Gabriel. He was legitimately terrified, and I didn't want to pressure him to do something he was uncomfortable about. But when everyone else went in, he got curious.

He built up his courage and told me he would look in the window. He marched right up to it and tried his darnedest to ignore the creepy scarecrow in front of him and just look at the decorations by the checkout line. He saw some fake spiderwebs like the ones he made sure we already put up at our house a couple weeks ago, but there were green ones! I told him I wasn't sure, but those ones might glow in the dark. He decided he MUST tell Lily and Daddy about the spiderwebs. He held my hand and made a careful path into the store, far away from the scary things, and to the others. It's almost impossible to completely avoid scary things in those stores and there were a few times I heard him quietly say to himself, "I can do this." I'm so proud of him.

Lily, on the other hand, may have started out scared, but she got curious and wanted to investigate some things that Gabriel wouldn't even go near. Gideon seemed to be on the fence about the whole experience. Maybe he'll have more of an opinion next year.

Thoughts on Being a Fire Wife

I recently joined a Facebook group for women with significant others that work for Cal Fire. Finally having women to talk to that deal with a lot of the things I do has gotten me thinking about how different it is from most people's lives.

People still ask me all the time about Jeff's schedule. He is on shift for three days and off for four days every week. No, he does not come home at all during the three days of his shift, because fires and other emergencies happen at night, too. He works for the state, not a local department, so his station is an hour away from home through winding roads that he prefers me to stay off of, so the kids and I rarely visit him. 

This means we don't see him for half of every week. That is unless he gets called to a fire or needs to cover a station for someone on a fire or any of several other things that could happen to cause him to have to stay at work. At 5:00 in the morning on the day he was supposed to come home from his last shift, he sent me a text saying that he would be late because they were sent to a local fire. I made sure to respond in a way that wouldn't add any more to the stress he was under (I'm not always so thoughtful), but all I could think about was that this fire could keep him away anywhere from a few extra hours to a few extra weeks. The worst part about when he's called to a big fire is not knowing when he'll be back, not having a specific day I can look forward to, just hoping every day that he'll be home tomorrow. Luckily, this time it was just a small fire that didn't keep him more than a few hours.

In the past couple weeks, I've had multiple people say something along the lines of, "I don't know how you do it without just breaking down!" As those who see me a little more often well know, the truthful response to that is: I do. I break down. Not all the time, but it happens. A few weeks ago, I brought my three children, all under 5 years old, to church with no husband. I had spent the previous week taking care of my kids, feeding them, entertaining them, driving them around, scheduling babysitters while going to appointments to get a root canal and rehab for a bulging disc in my back. It feels like a lot whenever I talk about it, but I didn't have time to think about it at the time. I was just getting things done because they needed to be done. I hadn't had enough time to myself to even notice the weight of everything. So when I brought my kids to church, and the older ones were in their Sunday school classes, and a very nice woman offered to try to put my crying baby to sleep, I had a chance to sit. In that moment of just sitting, the tiredness, the loneliness, and the stress all caught up with me. I sat in church and just cried. Sometimes all you need is a good cry, but I'm blessed to also have good friends and family who step in and help me whenever I'm able to humble myself enough to ask for it. I love them and I'm grateful, but there's nothing like having my husband home.

I don't mean to say that being married to a firefighter is all bad. I am so very proud of my husband and the work that he does. Our children love to tell people that their daddy puts out fires. When his schedule doesn't get changed, he's able to spend four whole days with us at a time! We could take a mini vacation every week if we wanted (at least when it's not fire season)! And when he is home, Jeff is so good at really being with us. He helps around the house, plays with the kids, and makes time to make me feel special. But I think my favorite part of having a firefighter for a husband is that I know he will literally walk into a burning building for a complete stranger, but I know that he would do even more than that for me and for our children. He is absolutely my hero.

Living the way we do can be very difficult. Having the support of family and friends isn't only helpful, it's necessary. I've had to learn to admit when I need help. I've had to learn to do things alone that I never planned to. But since joining the fire wife group on Facebook, I've stopped spending any of that time feeling sorry for myself. As much as I admire our firefighters for the life-saving work they do, I also have an ever-growing admiration for the women who support them. We are a big part of why our heroes are so strong.

I don't know who wrote this, but it really spoke to me:

Disneyland Trip!

Last week, we got to spend time as a family at the happiest place on Earth! We were so excited to go to Disneyland, and on my birthday, no less! I thought about trying not to make this post too long, but then I remembered it's for me to be able to look back on. If anyone gets bored with it, you're free to move on. 😁

We drove down the day before we went into the actual park. We had some fun in the shops at Downtown Disney, but I think Gideon was mostly just glad to be out of the car.

With some help from grandparents, we got a room at Paradise Pier. The lids loved being able to see all of California Adventure from our window, and the boys' favorite part was the pillows shaped like beach balls!

The hotel had a pool, and off to the side was a small pool for young kids. It was just the right size for Gideon, and the other kids spent most of their time there, too. At least it made it easier to watch them than in the big pool.

 

As soon as we got into Disneyland, the very first character we saw was Mickey Mouse. We even caught him before he got in his picture-taking spot, so he had some nice interactions with the kids. Lily was pretty nervous at first, but Mickey was very sweet and made it clear that he would keep his distance. Now when she talks about it, she laughs about how silly it was that Mickey kissed her hand. I wanted to see how Gideon would do meeting Mickey, but he was already crying because it was time for his morning nap, so I spared him. The kids saw Minnie later on, too, but they were with their aunts who joined us while I was somewhere else. So since SOMEbody hasn't sent me pictures yet, I don't have any.

     

Gabriel and I went on Autopia after we signed him up for Jedi training. It wasn't a huge part of the trip, but I figured I would at least add one picture with me in it.

Leading up to the trip, we asked Gabriel if he wanted to do Jedi training and told him what it would entail. We also showed him some videos. He thought it seemed cool until he realized the villains he would be fighting weren't from PJ Masks. But the day before we went to Disneyland, he decided to do it. He got his robe and his light saber and was mostly oblivious while they taught him the Jedi moves, but he listened enough to have an idea of what to do. Then when he was waiting in line to fight, he got nervous. Someone from the show knelt and talked to him, but he was still unsure. Luckily, I was sitting close enough to be able to talk to him and told him that they weren't really bad guys; they just wanted to help him use his light saber. So he did it. He almost backed out mid-fight, but he beat Kylo Ren. He wanted to be done, but he sat with the other Jedi trainees. Then they were supposed to change their position on the stage and Gabriel was terrified that he would have to fight again. He ran to where I stood, yelling, "I don't want to do it again!" and came at me so hard I fell to the ground while trying to catch him and his light saber to keep it from breaking. I comforted him while someone from the show came and took back his robe. Another person gave him a Jedi Academy button to wear the rest of the day and told him he did a good job. So, even though he had been scared, Gabriel spent the whole rest of the day excited about what a great Jedi he had become.

Soon after that, we saw Tinkerbell. The last time we went to Disneyland was two years ago. Gabriel was 2 years old and didn't care much about meeting many characters, but his cousins wanted to meet Tinkerbell and he went along. Ever since then, she has been Gabriel's "girlfriend" and he was VERY excited to see her again.

She saw his Jedi Academy button and asked about that. She said she knew some light fairies and was good at tinkering, so she could probably make a light saber. Then I let her know about the last time he had met her and that she was his girlfriend. She folded her arms and said, "Where have you been?" Then she gave him a hard time because it looked like he had been growing up and she would never want to grow up, because it seems itchy. It was adorable.

This was my favorite part of the Tinkerbell encounter. It was time to pose for pictures, so they all stood up and smiled at the camera. Tinkerbell held Lily's hand, but before she took Gabriel's, she leaned down and said very coyly, "Hey, can I hold your hand?"

Watch as that already huge smile of his gets even bigger...

We also saw Mary Poppins and Bert. My kids have never sat all the way through the movie, or even half of it, but they love "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious." 

Also, just FYI, I have TONS of the standing and smiling pictures, but most of my favorites are of the actual interactions with the characters.

Here's another good story. We saw Princess Aurora and tried to get to her, but they had closed the line because it was time for her break. So I made sure to look up what time she would be back and assured Lily that we would see her later. (Princess Aurora is her current favorite princess, but it changes pretty frequently.) So we went to do other things and ended up in line to see Rapunzel and Flynn Rider. I was trying to take care of Gideon when she got to the front of the line, so, again, SOMEbody owes me pictures. 

Lily ran and gave Rapunzel a hug wearing her Rapunzel shoes and Flynn assumed Rapunzel was her favorite. One of my sisters told them it's actually Aurora, and Rapunzel and Flynn joked and talked with Lily, as they do. After they talked and took pictures, but before they had a chance to wrap up and say goodbye, Lily saw Princess Aurora walk by and completely ditched Rapunzel and Flynn Rider, running and yelling, "Aurora!"

Here's some more pictures of princesses. The kids weren't really interested in many rides. Lily ran up and gave every princess a hug (except when she suddenly got too nervous and, instead, ran up and abruptly stopped right in front of them) and Gabriel decided to bow to each of them because, "That's what you're supposed to do when you meet a princess."

Side note: Elsa and Anna were cute, but Anna looked like she needed a nap REAL bad,

We saw a Disney Jr. Dance Party show, and that's when Gideon really perked up. He wanted to get up on the stage so bad, I eventually had to stop putting him down to let him dance.

These ones are just cute. And I love the bond Lily has with her new doll.

We also went to Universal Studios. Since my kids really weren't into rides for some reason and Universal doesn't have a lot of stuff for young kids, it just wasn't as fun. But hey, we had free tickets. Anyway, here's some pictures.

 Oh yeah, we had a hiccup on the way to Universal. Lily got car sick and threw up. We got it all cleaned up and a nice lady even gave us some water, paper towels, and a trash bag to help. But when we got back in the car at the end of the day to go home, Gabriel said it still smelled bad and held his nose for FOUR hours. He even fell asleep holding his nose at one point!

 Over all, it was a really fun trip, and I'm so glad we did it. I didn't expect to spend quite so much time seeing characters, and I thought my kids would like more rides, but they had a great time and I loved watching them have so much fun. I love my family so much, and I can't wait to have more fun adventures with them!

Update: I got some of those pictures I was missing...